As regular readers know, I have long considered myself to be the rightful King of Northumberland, descended – on my mother’s side – from King AElla.
Once I’d heard the story from Auntie Marjorie I needed no further convincing – despite the fact that she lived in a semi in Wakefield, rather than a hill fort commanding the Cheviots.
Then my lovely wife took a swab and researched my DNA. “Good God,” she said, “I thought you were from a long line of Yorkshire peasants. You’re Swedish.”
That was enough for me. AElla was dismissed. “So I’m a direct descendant of Eric Bloodaxe?”
“He was Norwegian.”
Sadly neither may be correct – especially if behaviour has any bearing on genetics.
If any royal blood pulses in my veins then AElla and Eric are out. And King Alfred is in.
Yes, that one. King of the Anglo-Saxons. And famously associated with cakes…
You know the story. Alfred is on the run from the Vikings. He takes refuge in the hut of a peasant woman. She asks him to watch her cakes – small loaves of bread – baking by the fire. But poor old Alfred is more worried about the Vikings. He lets the cakes burn and ‘is roundly scolded by the peasant woman.’
There you are. Cold tongue pie was alive and well in 871…
“I’m going round to my mother’s,” the peasant woman – whoops, beloved wife – said on Friday morning. “Can I leave you in charge of the bread?”
“Yes, of course,” I said. “How many times have I done it before?”
Despite my City and Guilds as a master baker my wife insisted that I write it all down.
15 minutes, bread out of the basket, put it in the Le Creuset dish to bake. Twenty minutes for the rolls, 30 minutes for the bread.
“No problem,” I said. “What could possibly go wrong?”
My wife left. I spoke to Siri. “Hey, Siri, set a timer for…”
Sadly there was a problem. I’d been distracted. Writing the latest chapter. Easily done.
In the time it takes to think, ‘I’ll just finish this sentence and then I’ll set the timer…’ I forgot to set the timer.
So technically I didn’t say, ‘Hey, Siri.’ I said, “£$%& Siri, we’ve forgotten the timer.”
Give AI a couple of years and Siri will say, ‘What do you mean we?’
I took a stab at it. “Hey, Siri, set a timer for … ten minutes.”
Ten minutes passed. A very old car sounded its horn. I walked into the kitchen.
‘Hmmm…’ I thought. ‘That hasn’t risen very much.’
And then – for some unaccountable reason – I pressed the top of the bread. Which meant it had risen even less.
A vague feeling of unease crept over me. “Two minutes, mate,” I said to the bread. “I’ll give you another two minutes to rise. Or prove. Or whatever you’re supposed to do.”
It didn’t do anything. Sat there like a lump of dough. So I stuck it in the oven, already turned on for me because – obviously – finding gas mark 6 is a tricky business.
You know that saying? Lighting never strikes twice? It does…
Somehow between thinking, ‘Now I need to set the timer’ and walking back to my laptop, I forgot.
See above. Writing, distracted, easily done.
I took another wild guess. Let’s just say the bread was well baked. Well baked and squashed.
“Hmmm…” my wife said. “What’s happened here?”
I shrugged. “I did exactly as you told me, darling.”
I don’t think she suspects. So keep it to yourselves, will you?
Being chased by the Vikings is one thing. Being chased by my wife is quite another…
Have not enjoyed a book so much for years. If you enjoy a good detective story I cannot recommend highly enough, this one is a real 5 star page turner.
My new novel ‘Salt in the Wounds’ is now available on your Kindle and in paperback.