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It’s quite alarming how quickly you lose your fitness. Well, it is at my age. It’s not a long, lingering goodbye. There’s none of that, ‘This is not goodbye, just au revoir’ nonsense. “Right, mate. That’s it. I’m off. See ya. Bye.” And it’s gone. Over the hills and far away. And you’re too knackered […]

As a writer your life is controlled by a Single Deity. It dictates your mood, your income, your happiness. It’s a benevolent God that smiles on you. Or a vengeful God that flicks you casually into the outer darkness. It’s the Amazon Algorithm. It’s all knowing. All powerful. Remorselessly accurate. ‘Don’t sell your book to […]

I can’t work out how long it’s been. Twenty years? Twenty-five? But it’s come to an end. Ah, I see what you were thinking. She’s finally lost patience. Come to her senses. Can’t say he wasn’t warned… No, you’re wrong. Although if I don’t cut the grass that could change. I’ve left my office. Given […]

The Writer’s Shirt What do the witches say to Macbeth? How do their prophecies influence his future actions? The English curriculum is full of splendidly worthy questions – well, apart from this year. That may or may not be one of them. I have no idea. I made it up. Let me suggest an alternative. […]

I blame Phyllis. She’s a good friend of mine. I’ve even met her once. So once more than I’ve met most of my friends. It was her post on Facebook. ‘Ageing rock stars’ or something similar. They’re having to update their lyrics as they get older. The Commodores, for example. Once, Twice, Three Times a […]

You’ll remember where we left it last week. I was down on my knees mopping up cream. Lizzie was earning a huge number of brownie points by helping. My wife? She’d fled the scene. It wasn’t just the kitchen floor. Her jeans and her jumper had also received a generous helping of single cream. One […]

As you may recall, my wife was a touch hyper last week. Lizzie was coming to visit and a decree had gone out from Caesar that the house was to be made spotless. Naturally I played my part. Although the old short term memory must be playing up again – I can’t quite remember what […]

I received a generous dollop of Cold Tongue Pie the other night. I broke a dinner plate. But it wasn’t for that. Nope, it was because I broke the wrong dinner plate… “I’ve broken a plate,” I confessed, already reaching for the hair-shirt. My wife went into the kitchen. “You’ve broken the wrong one,” she […]

I was on the phone. And I was fighting a losing battle. “The book about Pepper is in Germany,” I said. “What did you say?” came the reply. “All I can hear is a guitar.” I finally made myself understood. My wife looked up from the other side of the dining room table. “Are you […]

The window’s open. Cars are whizzing up and down the road outside. ‘Lockdown? Rings a bell, mate. Just remind me will you…’ But I can’t complain. Lockdown has been good to me. I’ve been out walking every day. I’m fitter – I may even be one of the few people in the country who’s lost […]