You’ll remember where we left it last week. I was down on my knees mopping up cream. Lizzie was earning a huge number of brownie points by helping.
My wife? She’d fled the scene. It wasn’t just the kitchen floor. Her jeans and her jumper had also received a generous helping of single cream.
One of those little pots, eh? You pour some on your strawberries and think, ‘Well, there isn’t going to be much for everyone else.’ Hurl it all over yourself and the kitchen floor and it’s like the loaves and fishes.
So my wife scuttled off upstairs to get changed. And then there was the inevitable inquest.
Some of you will find the next sentence impossible to believe: you may need to go and lie down for a while.
It was my fault Beverley threw cream all over the kitchen floor.
I was in the other room. I heard her cry of anguish. I rushed to help. See above – on my knees mopping the floor. But when the inquest was held…
“It was your fault. You hadn’t put the top on properly.”
Fast forward a few days. Lunchtime. A slice of toast and – assuming Alex hasn’t beaten me to it – the last of the cheese. I cut a large slice of my wife’s home made bread. And that’s all I need: one slice of home-made equals three slices of supermarket pap.
Well, you can’t slice bread without making crumbs. Someone’s left a piece of kitchen roll on the worktop. I grab it and clear them up.
That’s odd. My hands are greasy. Oily, almost. I wash them. Butter my toast. Clean up more crumbs with that convenient piece of kitchen roll.
Greasy hands again. Is it the butter? Or have I developed some sort of super power? ‘We’re saved! It’s Slippery Hand Man!’
I wash my hands again. Take my toast into the dining room. Tell my wife about this strange, oily/greasy/slippery phenomenon.
“You know I always grease the bowl for the bread. So it doesn’t stick. I use a bit of vegetable oil and a piece of kitchen roll.”
“…Which you left on the worktop.”
“If you say so.”
“So it’s your fault my hands are greasy.”
Ha! I have revenge for the cream. That’ll teach her.
“No, dear. It’s your fault for being stupid and not realising.”
Calmly and logically I point out that there’s no clear evidence about the cream pot crime. There are no witnesses. Only my wife’s supposition. Whereas Beverley very clearly left out her oily piece of kitchen roll.
Calmly and logically does me no good. The cream is my fault. Slippery Hand Man is also my fault.
Half an hour later I was plodding along the cliff top. An almost-forgotten incident floated back to me. An incident from long ago, in a hallway not very far away…
It’s 2003: Dan is 9, Eleanor is 7. And there’s been a small outbreak of hostilities. A touch of ‘Brotherly, Sisterly Love,’ as I called the column.
Eleanor, having inflicted some serious damage on her brother, has been sent packing to her bedroom. And what did I write?
Halfway up the stairs she pauses, sticks out her chin and yells, “He deserved it!”
“Eleanor, Dan did not deserve that…”
“Yes, he did. He was asking for it!”
Eleanor injures Dan: it’s Dan’s fault.
The gene has been passed on. So I may need to drive to Leeds. Have a word with Could Be Serious. They’re buying a house next year. “Sorry to tell you this. She’s a lovely girl. But if there’s cream on the kitchen floor…”
Or maybe he’s worked it out already…